Playboy's The Smoking Jacket Is Cute, Delusional, NSFW

Playboy and its Fearless Leader Hugh Hefner have just launched The Smoking Jacket, a new website that's "Safe For Work." Y'all, a rundown of the site's inaugural top stories proves those quotation marks should be a flashing GIF in size 120 font. This post, like TSJ, is NSFW.-

WWe assume that the second and third and so on days of The Smoking Jacket will see some refinement of the content - though even if it does, many company's firewalls may block it anyway. But right now, as our meticulous accounting shows, things are a little uneven . . .

Hef Welcomes You To The Smoking Jacket

Flattering screenshot.

Hef takes fourteen seconds to sleepily welcome the interblag kids to his site. “The smoking jacket isn’t just something I like to wear around the mansion. It’s Playboy’s new safe For Work Website. Next to the mansion, it’s the best hangout on the planet." Okay. That was a lucid, if brief, introduction. He looked focused. Good job, Hef.

Safe For Work? NO. The image of Hugh Hefner in a smoking jacket will immediately let your employer know that you are a perv on company time. Hef and his shiny jacket are simply too recognizable.

Gemma’s Bikini Workout, Boob Job Benefits, Audrina’s Bongos and more

This, the most viewed article on the site, is the first of what will presumably be many "Girlwatcher" posts. Girlwatcher promises that it will bring us "the sexiest links on the web every Tuesday and Thursday." Silly Girlwatcher! Sexy things happen on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays too!

Safe For Work? NO but Scrollable. There’s a large picture of Gemma Atkinson in an overworked bikini top, but below lie only links and words and such.

7 Signs That You've Given Up On Getting Laid

Some of the signs are reasonable (a dilapidated ride, bad teeth), and some are highly debatable - Playboy calls Velcro a no-no, for example, although commenter "iheartubuntu" notes that velcro shoes are hip in SoCal right now. He then casually points out, "I have three girlfriends who adore my shoes. I may be a computer geek, but hey… three are better than zero." PS astronauts wear Velcro.

This guy has no trouble with the ladies.

[Photo via The Daily Mail]

Speaking of the comments section, all the bachelors who would like to get laid are very upset that the article - which condemns using paper and plastic when china or Fiestaware would do - is smacktalking their disposable plate habit. Here we also have an inkling that all will not go smoothly for The Smoking Jacket, because some of those commenters are mean. "Andy" writes:

Here’s the #8 a sign your [sic] not getting laid: You’re spending your time reading this shitty website. Hey Chris [article author] was this supposed to be funny or informative because it fails at both. A Top 7 list? Really? Were you going for a Top 10 list and fell short? Did you write down ideas for an article and give up and just decide to leave it in bullet point form?

Wow, Andy, harsh. Looks like you need to get laid.

Safe For Work? Yeah. There's nary a naked bosom to be seen. There's one instance of profanity in a large-ish font, since "A Fucked-Up Grill" is one cock block the article cautions against. But, you know, bosses make more money than non-bosses, and so bosses probably have both premium cable channels and hobbies that include doing blow and listening to people say "fuck" all the time.

That’s One Smokin’ Jacket

Sorry if you're at work right now.

Users can view a photo gallery of playmate Kimberly Phillips cavorting in nothing but a smoking jacket (and a bra and panties) (sometimes).

The accompanying video is 1 minute and 44 seconds of Kimberly posing and looking pretty. And a heavily tattooed arm adjusting her hair. She looks bored. Then a disembodied hand rubs lotion on her hip. At one point, the fetching model giggles and says, “I’m trying to be sexy here!” “I’m sorry,” says the cameraman.

Safe For Work: NO. Did you have a stroke? NO.

Brian Austin Green: Lucky Bastard.

Apparently this is part of a series-to-be called “F*cking Upwards: In which we examine the life and career of phenomenally mediocre men who have managed to land women infinitely hotter and far more successful." This one has a star replacing the “u” in Fucking. See what they did there? SFW!

Brian Austin Green doesn’t have a blossoming movie career/stardom, and Megan Fox does. Thus, he is “phenomenally mediocre.” This article seems to be the latest installment in the ongoing myth that a man who isn’t as successful as his woman is somehow shameful. And yet, we find the clip of Brian Austin Green being forced to sing on the (phenomenally successful, we might add) original 90210 so appealing that we can't maintain any irritation at the article. God bless you for bringing us this gem, Playboy.

In BAG's defense, Megan Fox probably doesn't have moves that tubular.

Safe For Work? YES. Inasmuch as the video is safe for any human's eyes.

1983 Playmate Playoffs

The title of this photo is "Sexy Speed Bump." Not joking.

It's retrotit! Playboy's 1983 playmates "participated in a three-day competitive extravaganza, which included a number of water-soaked events. Classic ’80s game show personality Chuck Woolery happily hosted the proceedings."

A gallery of bikini-clad women who are now MILFs, or perhaps just Ms, follows. They cavort. They get sprayed with hoses. They have shaving cream fights (IT'S SYMBOLIC).

Safe For Work? YES if tight rumps and women straddling giant tubes are SFW. NO NO NO.

The title of this photo is "Slippery Pole."

How To Get Laid At Work

Sure, we'll buy that "offices are pressure cookers of erotic fury." At Guest of a Guest, we often have naked pillowfights before revenue meetings. Playboy's advice on how to get the office girl is standard stuff.

Safe For Work? Oh, honey, NO. An article entitled “How to Get Laid at Work” is not safe for work. It is, however, meta, and thus laughable. If your (busty, miniskirted, oral-fixation-possessing) boss notices you reading an article entitled “How to Get Laid at Work”, she will A) correctly assume that you are not currently getting laid at work (which will appeal to her, because she doesn’t want you to get laid at work) and B) correctly assume that you are trying to get laid at work (which will not appeal to her). And if she sees you reading the section entitled "Don't Bang Your Boss," she will be insulted that you apparently consider her unbang-able and enraged that you would even think about banging her in the first place.

[Unless otherwise noted, photos are courtesy of The Smoking Jacket]